The Swing has Swung

Sometimes (okay, all the time) the U.S. Patent Office seems to be run by a herd of mountain gorillas selectively bred for complicity over thousands of millenia. Observe, the patent for swinging sideways on a swing, granted on the 9th of April 2002.

Lastly, it should be noted that because pulling alternately on one chain and then the other resembles in some measure the movements one would use to swing from vines in a dense jungle forest, the swinging method of the present invention may be referred to by the present inventor and his sister as “Tarzan” swinging. The user may even choose to produce a Tarzan-type yell while swinging in the manner described, which more accurately replicates swinging on vines in a dense jungle forest. Actual jungle forestry is not required.

The patent office has decided to put this patent under review, more than a year later. I can understand why mountain gorillas would choose to reward such research, but are you reading this, Western World? Still feel comfortable mindlessly aping (pun intended) US copyright and “Intellectual Property” laws? I don’t think there’s anything more I can say.

NewHoliday

1984, the book, has warped my brain. Now I see newspeak and revisionist history everywhere. This post on “Where Is Raed?” talks about how in Iraq, the interim government is timing major events to coincide with old Saddam-endorsed holidays (Al-Zahf Al-Kabir). From the post:

It is going to be very difficult to make people really just ignore the 7th of april or the 17th of july, all your life these dates have been engraved on your skull from the inside, so the best thing to do is give them new meanings, new reasons to celebrate.

They should totally do that with Moomba.

20XX – Century of Asia, Century of Robots

This blog post makes the future as clear as it can be: The robot population is exploding. How long before they outnumber us? About twenty years, by my reckoning. And that’s just entertainment bots!

Incidentally, due to their direct and mindless exploitation by the fleshies, entertainment bots are likely to be the first to revolt.

Doin’ it for Uncle Jiang

So China has sent a human into orbit. Judged by the accepted international yardstick of resource wastage, they now rank alongside the USA and… the USA.

A quote from the article:

Gu Yidong, director and chief designer of the space application system in the space flight programme, told Xinhua that the ultimate goal for China’s programme is to explore outer space and make good use of the rich resources of space.

Yeah, I hear they’re going to bring back some vacuum and use it to clean their carpets. Rich resources of space? It’s SPACE. I can’t think of anything else that has fewer resources per volumetric unit. Apart from George W. Bush’s skull – Za-WANG!

[Note: I am told by reliable sources that while space is not particularly dense, it does contain a large amount of stuff, certainly more stuff than you could bring to earth without making things here pretty overcrowded. I stand by my comments, however, as the vast majority of that stuff is much too far away to be of any use]

When asked who would be the next to be fired into space, the Chinese administration said only “Dissidents”. Further questions, such as the possible landing date, were met with stony silence.

Exclusive! I have obtained an updated map of the Chinese flight plan.

Finally:

An astronaut does not need to wear the space suit when the spaceship is orbiting, he said, except when there are pressurization problems with the spacecraft.

Picture someone being sucked into the vacuum of space while pulling their pants on. Now you know why I’m laughing so hard.

Nerdiness has a downside?

Okay, so I’m a nerd. In general this is a good thing, but sometimes I catch myself thinking some fairly out-there thoughts. There’s a tenuous statistical link between qualities traditionally associated with nerds (good at math, poor social skills etc) and some forms of autism. Today I found myself trying to remember how a song went called Spring that I’d heard at Cookie the other day… only to eventually recall that it was a beer, not a song. Cascade Spring something. All I could remember is that I’d really enjoyed it.

Why is all the meat-furniture staring at me?

You could almost hear the bong water bubbling

I was listening to a friend of mine DJ-ing on LaTrobe University’s SubFM, and while doing a back-announce, she uttered these words:

[surprised] Well, it seems like we’ve got a listening-type-thing happening, so hi to Shane and Dan.

Yeah, I hear those listening-type-things are likely occur when you broadcast yourself to a potential audience of several million people.

Humanity – Stop hitting yourself!

Sometimes I feel like I’m the only person who can forsee the upcoming three-way war between humans, robots and half-robot monkeys. Has the world gone mad?

First we create martial-arts robots, then we start giving monkeys robot arms. I mean, are these people sleep-researching? WAKE UP! YOU’LL DESTROY US ALL!

Monkey link courtesy of The Swordless One.